I am a woman called to tend the margins, providing spaciousness for healing to those on the outside.
I am a woman tending the margins, holding the tension between light and darkness.
I grew up a good Christian girl on the prairies of South Dakota.
Loving God was never an issue for me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a deep spiritual connection and it was only deepened by the lands on which I was raised and the animals for whom I cared. However, as I grew older, I found myself at odds with many variations of theology that I had learned, internalized, and embodied as final truths. Lessons about my womanhood and humanity. Lessons about my place in the world, the shame of my female body, and my position in the church.
Slowly over time, I began to question and unwind from what had left me feeling bound and helpless.
This process has taken place over the last ten (or eighteen) years of my life, during which time I have been raising children, moved 7-10 times, held careers, lost careers, and stepped into a ministerial calling only to find myself feeling on the outside and unwanted in those circles. More and more I have found myself walking along the perimeters, meeting others who also occupy the edges.
Along the way I found myself enrolled at Indiana Wesleyan University to finish my Bachelor’s degree in Biblical Studies. I found myself deeply immersed in the process of Inductive BibleStudy and developed a rich theological foundation through writers like John Wesley, Thomas Oden, and Steve Semands. I grew as a theological writer and loved stretching my voice and craft through reflective writing, bible study writing, and sermon preparation. After I graduated it felt like a natural step forward into seminary, so I enrolled at Asbury Theological Seminary where I was deeply formed and nurtured by the classes I was able to take. However, after the completion of my second semester, I found myself at a crossroads and decided to put my Seminary education and pursuit of ministry on a permanent hiatus.
This journey has been one of immense grief. I found myself in a place where I had been preparing myself for a life in pastoral ministry and ordination but felt so far from God that I wasn’t sure I could ever belong in church spaces again. After eighteen years in ministry as a pastor’s wife, it was hard to hold the immense loneliness and sorrow I carried through what felt to be the complete loss of my spiritual life and community.
It was during these years that I found myself enrolled at Goddard College where I’ve embarked on an academic study of grief and cultivating relationship with grief within the body. I have found myself being mentored by authors like Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Francis Weller, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, Dr. Sherry Walling, and many more. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so alone. My time at Goddard has helped me create a relationship with grief that honors my experiences and created a space for grief within my body. This path of grief and experiences of doubt and despair have also led me down a path of deep spiritual formation through the feminine mystic writers of the past and present.
Working with the body has been a vital tool in my grief journey. To help strengthen my somatic skills, I completed the Mind Body Coaching Certificate program through The Embody Lab. Through this program I was given the tools and practices to work as a somatic coach. I have taken this training and allowed it to intermingle with my background as a massage therapist and pastoral training. What has come alive is a form of coaching that is more like a spiritual guide. It is deeply holistic at its roots and the goal is to help you find deep formation at the very core of your being.
This work has brought me to a place where my sense of belonging is more internal, and it has opened the doors for me to belong in whatever space I occupy. This is by no means easy, but I have seen the effects of healing in both big and microscopic aspects of my life. Feeling as if I had no faith left after decades of belief was one of my most isolating experiences and I long to bring community and belonging to that space. And this is what I hope for you.
The shorter story
I am a wife, a mother, a dog-mom, an artist, a writer, deeply creative, a farmer (in my heart), a pastor (though unorthodox), and an academic. I have a deep love for coffee with Half & Half. My home is always filled with music. I am obsessed with goats, chickens, and my dogs (who are wild). My children are teenagers, my husband serenades on his guitar, and I am learning to love this overwhelming life. Somedays it is overwhelmingly hard, and somedays it is overwhelmingly incredible. But every day it is beautiful, and I know that I am building towards something even greater than I can imagine.
